The five people I met in my heaven on earth

They say that there are no accidents. Whether it happened for awhile, or when it isn’t even what you want to happen, it is still meant to be. Some people are meant to pass you by, to stay for awhile, to stay a little longer, and to stay for a lifetime. Of course at this moment and at a young age, no one’s ever sure who will stay or who will eventually go after some time, but for me, I am pretty sure who will stay, though not physically. It is not always about the physical attachment. Some stay through what they leave behind for you.

Eddie has his five people that he met in heaven, as written by Mitch Albom (one of my favorite authors), but since I’m still very much alive and I’ve met people who helped me create my own heaven, I will talk about them; the five people I met in my heaven on earth.

***

The subject “euthenics” was one of those subjects that required us to wake up early and keep ourselves awake and attentive for an hour. The subject was simple and it was just about passing or failing the subject so it wasn’t much of a hassle for us.. of course excluding waking up early for it. I admit it was a bit boring, though I enjoyed some topics we tackled in class, but if it weren’t for Miss Ces Dakis who’s our guidance counselor, I would’ve just slept every time. After Euthenics, we were required to have our routine interview with Ms.Dakis every semester. Of course at first it made us think “ano ba yan, meron pang ganyan” and the like but after having one routine interview with Ms.Dakis, it became something I’d like to have as a hobby or a new subject I’d be glad to take and go to everyday.

Ms.Dakis is not like any other guidance counselor. Inside her office was a home where she becomes our mother/sister. There’s just something about that four-cornered room, that look that she gives us and how that ”Oh, ano na” always seems so comforting whenever we come by and ask for counseling.

She’s one of the 3 people who works in school who knows my secrets and someone who I am very much comfortable with because I know she won’t judge me and give me advice not just for the sake of giving me one, but because she knows it’s for the best. She taught me how to look at things deeper, to think of the what if’s and but’s and to weigh things between what’s important and what’s not necessary. She also has that aura where it automatically smashes your walls down and manages to let you tell her everything that you’ve been trying to hide, then would make you feel a lot better.

I never bluff whenever I tell her that I want to have another routine interview after another even when I always get that “wag ka na Itel” or “Ikaw na naman” response. It’s also very touching whenever she remembers or reminds me about something I’ve told her way back and would always fool around with me/us.

***

It is always a wonder when someone reminds you of someone who is very dear to you, be it through physical aspect or through the person’s attitude or behavior. It’s funny how they can be identical even when they’re not even related.

It was my second year in college when I met the “twin” of my Lolo, named Sir Lorenzo Gabutina a.k.a Lolo Gabs. By the way, he also reminds me of my favorite cartoon character Carl of UP and the character Morrie of the book Tuesdays with Morrie, so this just made him look more adorable for me. He looks a lot like my Lolo Chenggoy, though he was slimmer, and bubblier. He seemed a lot like my Lolo, Carl and Morrie when it comes to being funny, witty and nice. In our every Tuesday class, it felt like I was Mitch Albom and he was Morrie because the way Mitch described Morrie, is similar to how Lolo Gabs was and they both have that warm and up-lifting aura.

The first half of the semester, his class became one of those classes you can’t wait to get in to every week, but somehow that was just about it. It was great also for the fact that the subject is about advertising, but then again, it’s a class. It was just a class. Tuesdays with Lolo Gabs became totally different after the time he talked to me (just like with everyone else) one-on-one. First he talked about my grade, and then went straight through personal stuff. I was surprised to know that he actually saw right through me. He knew cos he felt and saw it in me. He told me how much my problems are affecting basically everything I do. “Ang bigat mo eh”, he said. I wanted to joke around and say “Sir, wag niyo na ipagdiinan sakin na mataba ako”, but then I started crying. “I can see you laughing and having fun with your friends, pero it still shows”, he also told me. I cried because I didn’t know that I suck at hiding what I feel and because I didn’t expect that a Prof would actually care enough to tell me about it, talk about it and would want to help me.

He suddenly became my “illegitimate Lolo” after that. He never stopped asking me how I was and never grew tired of listening to me and trying to help me out. Even when I was already in my 3^rd year, he would still check up on me if I was okay and I would still update him with stuff. He actually knows my secrets that I only tell my close friends and keeps them just like how a granddaughter and a grandfather would. Whenever I talk to him, he would always lift me up especially in times that I am losing hope. He never fails to encourage me and push me like what he always tell me, “magaling ka naman talaga eh”. He always seems to show me my worth and would always protect me from “bad things/people”.

Lolo Gabs also inspired me to just do what I love doing, say what I want to say, enjoy everything that makes me happy, and go beyond the limit I’ve built for myself. It always fascinates me seeing him all lively and young at heart. It always reminds me to just act naturally, notice all the good things and let the bad things just pass after you’ve learned from them. He taught me how to stay young.

***

Just this second semester, I officially became an advertising student after passing the minor track interview. We had our 2 advertising major subjects; copywriting and advertising management. Both were amazing subjects let alone having big time Professors, but I never thought that one of them would give my whole being a big impact. Sir Vincent Pozon runs his own advertising agency, and teaches us advertising management. There’s really something about him that I could not and would probably never decipher. 

The subject was heavy, that it honestly made our eyelids heavy as well, also while our stomach’s growl since our schedule was from 10:30-1:30pm. It was a battle between naps that 3rd yr students crave for especially on Saturdays, and big information and advice from a big man in the advertising industry. As the discussions go along, I gained more interest in my minor and in the subject itself, but of course it can’t make up for the past assignments I’ve not given much attention to when I was still a little off with the subject and having it on a Saturday, also as family stuff hinders me from attending a few sessions.

He talked to each and one of us about our performance in his class. As expected, I cried. First reason was because of the grade I got. I didn’t really fail, but it was low. Second was because of the frustration of being an advertising student that I wont be elaborating about (hehe). and third, was because of what he told me. He told me about how tough it is and will be in the advertising world. That if criticisms and rejection were bullets, he must have had numerous holes in his body and is still continuously getting more.

He told me once that it was obvious that I am an introvert, which is both a good and a bad thing. He admitted he is also an introvert but he learned how to be an extrovert when he needs to be or rather, ‘because he needs to be‘. He told me that I should learn how to not limit myself, and to say everything that I have to say. He said I was too shy of speaking out, which I am guilty of, and I need to get that out of my system because it wont do me any good anyway. He said that we may be sensitive right now with the things people say especially about our work, but it will be eventually the same in the future, if not worse. All we need to do is to take it as a challenge and that rejection only means that you’ve got a lot more to give and a lot is expected from you. He told me I’ve got so much more to show. He also told us that a job is not a job, it’s a joy.

After that, he usually gives me that pressuring look and continuous nods that automatically gets me to talking or saying what I had in mind. It’s always a relief especially when he compliments me (which for me seems like a very big deal since he is ‘the man’), but it was really pressuring. He then became my/our “Tatay”, my inspiration and a fellow-Beatle’s fan.

***

and then there’s that one person you’d meet in school who you never thought would even care to talk to you, but ends up as someone who’s nice enough to hear you out. In my own heaven on earth which is the mass comm life, I/we have Kuya Mark Espino, or simply known as Kuya Mark. At first he was the very silent and serious Kuya who is in-charge of the rooms/lounge in the H building, and the Kuya who helps Kuya Lito in guiding us in the radio room and the equipment. The first time I met him, he was laughing while he was asking me not to eat inside the lounge. I was glad he wasn’t mad, but got embarrassed. At the same time, that gave me the hint that he’s not all serious and unapproachable.

Since we get to be with him every rehearsals, we of course made friends with him. Then after a short time, he eventually showed his wacky and bubbly side. He then became a real “kuya” to all of us, just like with Kuya Lito but since he’s younger, he became more close to us.

There was a time that he even helped us with our statistics problem since he is a math major, then after that, the helping went on. I get the chance to talk to him at times be it about how the radio and TV prod thing goes and about a lot more. He was very much approachable and he is definitely a good adviser.

He basically knows all my secrets already and problems I have had because I would always run to him to talk to him about it and he would always hit me with advice along with some insults and little harsh words. At first it seemed offensive and all, but after awhile I realized that it’s just his way of keeping me sane since comforting words are overrated and like what he said, comforting doesn’t really help or solve the problem. It either worsens it or.. keeps you in the exact same situation you’re in to. I also realized that I am the kind of person who somehow needs comfort, but not thoroughly needs it and should get hit in the head hard just to get me into the right thinking.

He also showed us how men should really be.

He taught me how I should always think of all the pro’s and con’s, the right and wrong, and that not everything I think is right. Also, he taught me how to be considerate and to be much more sensitive about how people would feel. He taught me that I shouldn’t always be too giving and that I should also think if I deserve how I am being treated or with what is being given to me. He also taught me to stop ranting about things and instead be grateful, and to stop torturing myself by spending so much time emoting on a certain thing or problem, and instead look for a solution or take those as lessons. He taught me to take things lightly because making it look big, will eventually make it really big. 

***

In school, there’s got to be that one Professor who makes all the students shiver just because of his or her presence. For the MassComm students of St. Scho, we got Mrs. Flordeliz Abanto a.k.a Ms.A . Since first yr, we were told of how strict Ms.A is and since she was the dean of masscomm back then, we immediately got that ‘fear’ of even just seeing her. As I reached my third year and enrolled, I really was almost in tears when I saw that I will be in two classes wherein she will be the Prof. I was kind of excited, but the fear outweighed even my excitement with my other subjects.

So as the first semester went on, she never failed to amaze me on how great of a person she is. It always confuses me how she’s able to do so many things and finish them on time and how dedicated she is with all her work (being in the radio and being a Professor). She was simply different and outstanding and every class we have with her only makes me love her and gain so much respect for her.

After some time, the fear subsided. How? Because I witnessed that she wasn’t really a Prof to be feared of in a negative way and! she is really fun to be with. Well, for me she seemed to have loved tripping on me in our Radio Production class. It’s perfectly fine with me, though because at least we get to laugh with her and also have that ‘achievement and privilege’ to make her laugh. Same happened in our TV Production class, and with some given day.

I may have thanked her once about being an awesome Professor but people will never know how grateful I am for having her as a Prof, with 4 subjects and also like my second mom.

There was this time that we had to have our minor track interview and a month before that, she’s been ‘scaring’ me that she will be the one interviewing me and stuff. Of course I got scared and yes, she was there. But then, the interview somehow became a counseling session especially that she was with Sir/Lolo Gabs in interviewing me. I was really touched when she asked me about my problems because somehow it made me feel that she cares.

Ms.A had those little segue of advice she gives randomly in the class or directly to me, and I’ve been keeping them as reminders. She also told me once “Magpakatino ka na”, since I wasn’t able to meet her standards and had complications. I wasn’t one of the students who got good grades from her and I’ve been guilty of having lack of concentration and effort, but through all the hardship we had in her subjects, I never had that hint of annoyance or hate towards her. I am even shy that I wasn’t able to do well on her subjects.

She taught me so many things not just about studies, but also with being a good person. She taught me how my fears shouldn’t hinder me from anything but instead hinder my fears from getting the best of me. She taught me to take note, and always remember little details because nothing is ever less important. She taught me to know which is to be prioritized. She taught me how to stand. How to voice out what is needed to be heard, to look at all sides, and to never let go of my values and rights. She also taught me how to be strong, and how to not get too affected by what people say against something you know is right.

One funny thing I did was add her on facebook, because then I wont be posting nonsense stuff or so I will be more careful with what I say or do. I really treated her like my second mom (also because she is a lot like my real mama). (hehe)

***

I am honestly a person who holds things that are not visibly seen. Sometimes, those things are enough to prove to me of one’s love, concern, passion, and worth. I am fonder of people touching my heart rather than just showing that they are physically present, though of course I don’t ignore the effort of the person being there for me, but some just gets to touch my heart even without the intention of doing so.

Of course, it’s not only them who have touched me dearly, but of course you get the point that they did touch a bigger portion of my heart and my whole being and with that, I am beyond grateful of having the privilege of meeting and being with them.

A letter to a Panda

Bonjour! : )

I hope you still remember me.. Well, I bet you do. But for at least this time while you’re reading this, I hope you remember everything before we seemed to have just faded. : )

I really don’t know how to start this, but I know I have to. I have to let go of the things I wanted to tell you. So, I am just letting it all out and hope this wont get me too dramatic.

First, I’d like to say thank you. : )

Thank you for giving me my happiest days this year, 2011.

Thank you for making me feel loved, at long last.. even just for months.

My days with you, were my favorite of this year.

You gave me smiles with pure joy that everyone can automatically see. The ones I’ve been waiting to have. Those that can reflect of how happy I am and that there’s not even a reason to pretend or give out fake smiles.

You heard it before from a friend. Yes, I was never that happy. She was with me my whole life and she never saw me that happy, until you came.

You were the biggest addition to the reasons why I look forward to a day, because that will be another day with you, and another day closer to being with you. and finally not having the need to hide what we had from everyone else.. You don’t know how much I wanted to tell everyone I know about us and how happy I was.

You were another reason why I pushed myself on studying, or to at least improve more because I wanted you to be proud of me.

(Aug 19. 11:30) “I don’t want this to end…”

Right from the very start, I knew very well that I didn’t want this to end either. From the very start, I knew this was different. I told you before how in our first meeting, we seemed to have clashed. We did, but in the back of my mind I couldn’t understand it, but there was something about you I didn’t want to let go of. Even when we clashed, it felt like it wont be just that. I didn’t think of it, I felt it. and the first time you approached me and wanted to talk about my problem, I was automatically comfortable with you. I didn’t know why, it just happened. That’s why I didn’t hesitate in telling you everything even when it was personal.

(Aug 20. 01:53) “what we have now, it’s like I’m making a house of cards. I can probably mess things up as I progress, you see.”

I thought of the same thing, since what we got ourselves into was something.. complicated. But I didn’t want to lie. I thought about it, and I was sure to myself that I’d take it. I would take the risk, I promised myself. Why? Because to me, this was something worth fighting for.

(Aug 21. 2:23) “I’m not expecting you to be perfect…”

You had me here. : )

(Aug 22. 8:02) “You’re worth it.”

and here. and it felt so real. I find it hard believing guys with their sweet words, but this felt different. It felt real.

(Aug 22. 6:32pm) “I can go on and on and on telling you that I like this”

It wasn’t easy to accept to myself that ‘you’ would actually like me, or what we had. But it made me so happy seeing and hearing that you do. : ) (did)

(Aug 23. 10:41) “I’m familiar with being upset with nobody being there for me… So i dont want you to feel lonely at all…”

This broke my heart for you, and I didn’t want you to feel that again. I didn’t want you to feel lonely too. Never. As long as I am here.

You see, I made promises to myself. The ones that includes you. I promised myself things I’d do for you, and I’ve never been so sure in accomplishing my promises..

I also never liked phone calls. I dread being on the phone especially with guys, and I always think I am boring.. But you made me loved it. I always anticipated for your calls and would always wish it would take us hours. I always readied myself with stuff I’d want to tell you just to hear you longer.

(Aug 26. 1:11) “I can’t promise you a smooth flowing relationship, but I can promise you I’m giving all my efforts”

Everytime you give me promises, I made it a point that I’d be promising the same thing. Not because I thought I had to, but because I wanted to. I don’t know where this promise of yours went, but it got stuck in my head and when you were already giving up on me, this just seem to hunt me. I wanted to ask you, where’s your promise?

(Aug 27. 11:30) “I can keep this on for years, you see. : )”

Well.. obviously.. you didn’t want to anymore.

(Aug 28. 12:30) “I will. Just don’t drink and entertain boys, it’s guaranteed that we’d get there all the way”

I did stop. I thought to myself, why would I want to entertain other boys if who I want is already here? There’s no point. I didn’t even want to talk to any guy friends anymore. I was contented. : ) and of course I’ve stopped drinking months before we met, but you just made my promise to myself more concrete. : P

(Sept 2. 7:54) “I badly want to be with you…”

(Sept 3. 10:02) “I need you”

I may have failed in making you feel the same, but I never joked, bluffed, or said something just for the sake of saying it or making you feel good. I meant every word I told you. I never lied to you because I know how much it would hurt. I never lied to you because I love you.

yea, you can I say I’ve been at my very honest self when I had you.

(Sept 17. 07:01) “Because I want you to realize you can be strong without me.”

This was after maybe a week of not talking to me. True, I can be strong without you. But I could have been stronger with you. I was happy without you, but I was happier with you. Probably happiest so far. I could live without you, but I wouldn’t want to..

I read your blog about your ‘new love’ with all the dates included. Sept13? We weren’t okay then, but I never thought you were already liking someone else at that time. I thought you were just really.. depressed, just like what you said. You could’ve been more honest with me.

(Sept 24. 5:56) “You know the feeling when you lose everything and the mood for anything, but there’s one thing that still keeps you going? Well to me, there’s you…”

A day before you told me this, I thought of the same thing. I even wrote it in my planner.. I cried over this, out of pure bliss.

Like what you said, what we have(had) is ‘ineffable’.

I never knew a word could mean so much, not until I felt exactly how it means.. I know words are never enough to express how one feels, but that’s probably the nearest best description. ; )

Oct.12. We were together, and it was just perfect. I know I was a little too silent but that’s because I was feeling sick at that time. I just didn’t tell you. But you don’t know how happy I was. If only I could just hug you the whole day and never let you go, I wouldn’t. I wish we weren’t so far from each other and that it wasn’t so difficult for us to be together all the time.. That day, I felt so in love..

There were days when all I wanted to tell you was I love you. I wanted you to feel how in love I was.. How happy I was.

I had plans for us. Plans I’ve been thinking of ever since we.. Had something. Too bad I can’t pull them off for you anymore, though.
I already planned that I’d always include you in my schedule. I planned that this second sem, I’ll make it a point that we’ll meet every once a week. Or twice, if possible.
I even planned surprises for you already. Simple and little ones, but hoping it’ll be good enough. I couldn’t wait to do them all for you..
Well, now they’re all gone. Hehehe

You know I’m the kind of person who gets overly paranoid, and depressed.. but you changed me. You gave me reasons to always be thankful even after a messed up day. You taught me how to be strong. You taught me how to be more appreciative. You taught me how to disregard my pride. You taught me that it’s important to completely mean what I say. How to be selfless. How to love unconditionally. How distance or anything else should never be a hindrance..

(Oct.31) it all ended.

Well, after we lost it.. You still taught me.

You taught me how words can never be enough. That not everything people say is true. Not everything can last. How love can fade.. You taught me how to come out strong/tough when I face everyone else and leave the drama to myself when I’m already alone. You taught me how I should put up a hard, and tall wall from people. You taught me how I shouldn’t trust everything I see or hear right away. You taught me how to accept that not everyone’s going to care for me, and that everyone who say they don’t want to see me hurt, are those who will eventually hurt me in the end. How people can mean one thing today, but not mean it anymore the next day.

I know some of these may seem negative, but really.. Thank you. You showed me more of what reality is.

I really thought we’d make it. Or so I thought we would. I was also hoping we would..

I know what we had only lasted for a short time, but for me it was real. Thats why this wont be easy for me to just let go. It was pretty. : )

Now I can just only wish the best for you. I hope that you’ll find someone to fill the role of the girl who’ll love you much more than I did, and someone who’ll never be anything like me who failed to give you what you’ve been looking for. : )

Well maybe I’m still waiting for your ’final say’. You always said you don’t want to say goodbye because it means forever. And you never did say goodbye. I wouldn’t want you to, since I still want us to be friends, hopefully soon enough. But I wish you’d tell me the reason why we ended just like that. Somehow, my ‘case’ isn’t enough reason for you to just let it all go like that. I want you to explain. I won’t argue. I just want to know. And I hope you’d give me that. It isn’t much to ask, really.. Don’t mind me getting hurt with what you’ll say, you’ve hurt me enough anyway. Hahahahaha :p

So as a last request, please tell me everything. : )

Anyway. Happy New Year! : )

xx

(to those who are curious about the title, don’t look for any explanation. Just consider this as.. just a letter.)

Those were yesterday’s feelings

I used to believe in love and all it’s beauty.

I was a hopeless romantic. A damsel in distress, waiting patiently for that ‘knight in shining armor’ to save me.

I used to love watching proposals, anniversary surprises and the like. I used to think that someday, I’d get to have my own and would also want to tell the world about it.

I used to believe that when you truly love someone, nothing will ever be hard to take, and that it’ll last.

*

There came a time where I thought I was already in that final moment.

It was something I can’t explain, and all I can say was ‘finally’..

They say that you know he’s the one you really want to spend your life with when you unconsciously stopped looking. Realized this just when someone told me this quote or something.. I did stopped. It felt like he’s the only guy I’d want to be with.

I know it’s too early to tell, but it’s amazing how it’s the first time someone had made me feel that way. Like.. I didn’t want anything more.

I was contented with us.. I was simply happy.

It’s crazy how I can already picture our future, the same time he was telling me his plans. We talked what name we want to give to our child, how he’d want me to be beside him all the time, if possible. Even how he’d pull off a big surprise proposal for me because that’s how much he loves me. I mean, that’s what he said. Maybe that’s what he just thought..

But then it all just ended. Just when I thought it wouldn’t.

I was given up. Everything I thought was real was given up. 
Every word, promise, plans, effort.. Just got lost. Everything I believed in suddenly became lies.

Then, all of what I used to believed in, wished for, and wanted is now what I am doubtful with, what I fear of and is starting to just ignore.

Every hopefulness just faded because once upon a time, I believed. Until I was proved wrong that love is an amazing thing..

I used to. But not anymore.

falala lala lala la la.

(Mall of Asia)

It’s really amazing how fast time can fly. It’s true what they say about ‘feeling like it was just yesterday’ when it’s already been a year, and everything had eventually changed in a way or so.

Everyone’s probably very ecstatic about the Christmas/Christmas break already and somehow, it seems like the normal or expected feeling everyone ‘should have’.

I know it may sound stupid but I am serious when I say that I am not as excited for Christmas/Christmas break as I’ve ever been before.. I know, killjoy. But I’m just being honest here. Forgive me.

So yea, I may have a few reasons for that realization.

First on the Christmas list is, school. What about it? The start of the crucial thesis making. Now, we’re just waiting to get the approved thesis topic and then it’s on. The pressure is taking it’s toll a little more everyday and it is very new for a paranoid, overly anxious person like me. There wont even be a “Christmas break”. Maybe just for a week. But since this is like the first time for us, it’s a little.. upsetting.

The day when we became a little close to having our final thesis topic, I felt like I wanted to cry. Out of frustration and dismay that I may not have time to spend with my family & relatives anymore. There wont be any break. Maybe from a week’s class in school, and in wearing school uniform and all, but no break from school works. I am not really complaining. I mean, I anticipated this to come, and I’m also glad that I’ve gone this far. But it’s just really frustrating sometimes when you think of it. I find myself staring blankly for too long when the word ‘thesis’ pops out of my mind.

Yea well, that’s what you get when reality finally slaps you in the face.

and of course, I’d probably will never get tired in including this one: love. Need I say more? No actually, I just can’t talk about it yet. I will though, when I already can.. but not yet, for now.

I know it’s the time of year where I should be happy and all that stuff. but you see, I am starting to ‘actually’ live already and I know that I can’t just ignore or avoid those things regardless of the occasion and all.

*

but here, anyway..

What do I wish for?

Freedom, to do what I HAVE TO DO. No doubts about me, doing something bad or anything. I have no time to even try taking advantage of ‘my freedom’, and I know I deserve that already. Also considering that I need that, cos if not, I doubt I’d be able to grow.

Patience and Support. From my family and everyone else. I don’t need to be pushed down, you see. Cos it’ll only upset me or make me feel depressed which might lead to being dysfunctional.

Strength. No need for further explanation.

Acceptance. I need to learn this and to be able to let go of the things that gives me nothing but pessimism, pain, and dismay.

Joy. true joy.. one that doesn’t have any problem behind it.

Passion & Perseverance. Enough said for school.

I still have a bunch I want to wish for, but maybe it should be between me and my Pops. : ) ..that and I’m just too lazy to put it all here already.

x

Pretend, pretend

well it’s basically going down the same road again.

bliss, turned into dismay then eventually, to an unexpected and unintentional end.

hope for things to go back the way they used to be. act like there’s nothing wrong. act like it didn’t hurt. act like it doesn’t make me cry every night. act like I’ve never been in love. try my best to not care anymore.

avoid love. avoid chick flicks. avoid love songs. avoid knowing about a friend’s happy love story. avoid breaking down over everything good and over everything that’s identical to what I just had.

I wonder why it has to hurt like it’s the first time, when I’ve been through a lot of heartaches before. Unfair. I should be used to it already. Why am I not?

Don’t get me wrong, I am not all negative about it. I am taking all the possible answers to the whys and hows. Pretending, probably.. that I am okay. It’s a playact, and maybe, just maybe, it will eventually become true for me. I am okay.

I know I will be, soon. but as for now, let me just pretend that I am.

P.S. I’ll probably blog about ‘it’ before the 2nd sem starts.. Hopefully.

So, yea. Later x

The hidden side of a mess

You don’t know how much it hurts to lose everyone you’re holding on to.
You don’t know how much it hurts to see the ones who you thought would understand you, give up on you.
You don’t know how much it hurts to be left behind, when you know that they are aware of how down you are and how long you’ve been barely holding on to what’s left of you.
You don’t know how hard it is to make every damn day look like there’s nothing wrong.
You don’t know how hard it is to pretend you’re doing fine just so no one will worry.
You don’t know how hard it is to hide the pain.
You don’t know how hard it is to get back up in all the mistakes and hardships I am currently in, all at the same time.
You don’t know how hard it is to make the people around you feel how happy you are for them, when you’re also sad about yourself.
You don’t know how tiring it is to cry every night just to at least let the pain out.
You don’t know how it feels to be alone.
You don’t know how tiring it is to smile when you are on the verge of crying out loud.
You don’t know how it feels to be on the brink of giving up.

I know I’m not good at it, but I have to. I know it’s already affecting others, but I have to come out strong until I finally recover.
I know it’s hard to understand me, but I’ve been wishing that somehow, someone or my real friends would best try to understand me.
I’ve been hoping that maybe, just maybe, a few would be there for me to let me know I am not alone. I may not respond to every comfort or words of encouragement, but it is because I choose to keep silent and just feel them.

I am weak, and I’m a mess. But I’m trying. I’ve been trying. I’ve been doing everything I possibly can to stand up and be strong.

But you don’t know that. And you will never understand that, because you don’t want to understand me. I wish you could, but you don’t cos you wouldn’t want to. If you do want to understand me, then you would. No matter how hard it can be to understand me.
People don’t understand others because they’re too busy listening to their own versions and thoughts about it.

Don’t make people feel they’re alone, because you never know and you’ll probably never know what they’re going through.
Don’t give up on anyone just because you can’t understand them completely, cos you might be the last one they’re counting on.
Don’t judge anyone on how they’re dealing with their problems, cos no one’s the same with the other. What you think might work, might not go the same for the other.
Always be considerate. Always think of what others feel, or might feel.
And just because you can say things, doesn’t mean you have to. Always think before you speak. Always think of what they’d feel.
Try to put yourself in their shoes for a change, and you might understand and maybe you’d also be aware how it would feel..

Carry me away, Bataan

October 28-30, 2011.

Since this is probably my last break, I asked Mama if we could go somewhere. But then, I couldn’t even suggest a place to go to. Actually, I didn’t even have anything in mind, I just want to get away for awhile. I really don’t mind where, as long as it’s far from here. I thought it wont push through anymore but luckily, Kuya was going to attend a wedding in Bataan, so Mama decided to go to Bluzan (my uncle’s resort) in Bataan. It was sort of a last minute thing, but I was very glad. There’s a reason why this pushed through, I thought. I need this..

So yea. Went there. To sum up our stay from Friday evening til Sunday morning- it was a kain-tulog life, at it’s finest. It was a bit tiring to just eat and sleep for 2 days, but at least there’s not much pressure and worldly stuff.

The best thing about this getaway was my time with my sister, and my Tito Tony and his wife Tita Evelyn who just came back for awhile from the States & Tita Tabbie who I haven’t got the time to hangout with ever since. And the short, but deep-thinking walk I had in around 5pm, while the sun sets.. I was with them, but I was far behind them, just so I wont get distracted.

In that walk I had, I thought of a few things, also realizing the things my friends told me. There will always be those things that can never be. Things that can’t be yours. Things that are not meant to last. Problems that come all at the same time. and that those who you thought will understand you, never did.

All we ever have to do, is to stand up, carry on, learn, accept, ignore the things that hurt, and never mind those who are not willing to be there for you..

I know it may sound very pessimistic, but there will really come a time, or that there will be times when all you have left, is yourself. You can never depend on anyone because it’s either they don’t care, or they couldn’t and wouldn’t want to understand you. People always leave.

Also, there will always be some things that are not meant to last, even when it’s what you’ve been wishing for. When it’s there, all you can ever think of is that it was meant to be, and that it’s what you’d want to last. Well probably, it was meant to be.. but just for awhile. Maybe, there’s a very good reason why it didn’t last. I have nothing against that, but I just wish I didn’t have to feel all happy about it and feel like it’s everything you’ve always wanted.

and of course the stubborn little problems that hits you smack dab in the face all at the same time. There will always be those problems that you never thought would happen, because you know you are innocent from it. Those that drags you down, really far from where you are supposed to be. And those that almost ruins everything you’ve done, or your future. I don’t know why, really but maybe this is just a way of making me strong. Very strong, to be exact. Maybe this is a way of God to ready me in what bigger difficulties and challenges there is for me in the future, because if not now, then I’d probably have a much harder time in coping up.. (bear with me, I am just letting my positive side rule over now and maybe it can really get me back in my toes again)
True, I always avoid the hard things before, but then I realized how it can never go like that. It is inevitable but it is also where we become strong. I bet all of this weren’t given to me without any purpose and benefit.. I just have to face it strong.

While I am currently at it, I am telling you, it’s not easy. It never will be, I guess. But really, sometimes it even feels that it’s all worthless. I don’t know if I’m even doing it right. I am lost. I know that God is there for me, but I still need a person or two to tell me what I should, and shouldn’t do. Or maybe I don’t cos I’m old enough to know that, but at least someone who will be there for me, to guide me. I can’t tell my family. It’ll be a very long explanation. and I don’t know. I kind of got this feeling that I shouldn’t get them into this..

I’m reading ALEPH by Paulo Coelho right now (but not continuous. so many distractions) and it’s been cutting through me. I’m not taking it the negative way. I like reading stuff that gets through me. So anyway, I’m still on the first few pages/chapters and I bet there’ll be a lot more appropriate parts with regards to ‘this’, but I already found a few.. It says there that in life, you also need other people who you don’t even know, to be able to grow. I am not saying that I don’t need the people in my life anymore, but I also have to consider other, unfamiliar people. I have to get out of my comfort zone, I thought. This is probably the time where I can’t keep myself from seeing the real world anymore.. Also, that I have to ‘change, and move forward‘.. I know. I’ve always known, I’m just keeping myself from doing so. I don’t know. Scared? Probably. Scared of tons of things..

..which makes me remember what my Prof told me in my minor interview-’turned into counseling’. about that, well. I am just very thankful that she (Ms. Abanto) kept her word of being there ‘for’ me. She told that to my classmates weeks before the interview, and told me she’d make sure. A word can make something different. she said ‘for-her’, and not just I’ll be there. And yes, she was. The interview turned into a guidance counseling, along with my Prof/Lolo Gabs (Sir Gabutina) who’s also been very supportive of me. She told me that I have to get rid of my ‘fear’, because in life, it wont do me any good at all. I know. I’ve been trying.. I don’t know where to start, but at every point where it gets me, I always try to not let it get the best of me. I’ve been acting strong, cos I’m thinking it will eventually make me strong in the long run.

Well, I don’t know really. I still feel lost. or I don’t know. Really, it’s all I can say sometimes.. ‘I DON’T KNOW’..

Yea, just wish me luck with my life.

Anyway, here. Few pictures I took. Just to make this blog a little light..

PS I dont know why they all seem blurred. I swear they’re all clear. maybe the size or whatever. sucks..

not my foot, by the way. well, obviously.

later x

The right but missing ‘peace’

“Lost” is the first thing that popped out of my mind when I asked myself “where am I?”.

It’s like, after all you’ve gone through and done, it all goes down to waste and nothing’s ever gonna make sense anymore. I don’t know when and why this even started to take over me, but maybe it’s when things just didn’t go according to plan, and when unfortunate events started kicking in.

Final project for 2 major subjects and 1 minor, Lola (mom’s Tita) died, then an Aunt died too, and then a few misunderstandings.. all at the same time.

(Not to focus on that so anyway..)

Suddenly felt like I am in the wrong track. This is where I want to be, and I can’t even imagine myself in a different career or anything, but what if this is not what’s meant for me? If it is, then why am I not good at it? Why does it seem like I am not even improving? Well yes, it’s probably all my fault because I might be lacking more effort, but it’s just that sometimes, all the effort I give just isn’t enough. It is very tiring, and it gets more tiring when it all goes to waste.

I am still torn between where I am placed right now, and with the other 2 that I want to take. Maybe the competition is what I’m scared of. Maybe I’ll find myself unhappy with what I am insisting I’m best at. Maybe I was wrong all along.. Or I don’t know. Maybe I’m just pressured and scared with what my grades would turn out this sem. but still. If I don’t get good ones, then I’d probably have a harder time coping for next sem.

*

Misunderstandings. Sometimes the very few that you expect to understand you, are those that don’t. Or maybe they do, they just don’t care at the time when you badly need them. Sometimes, all we really need is a little support, or a little heads up, or a little help and all will be a lot better, or lighter to carry. but then you can’t always expect them to be there for you. It is impossible, and I know to myself that I can’t ‘always’ be there for the special people in my life, but it sucks when all of them seems like they can’t understand you at all.

Other times, they’re there. but they’d either insult you or bring you down even more. So what’s the use? This is why often times, I just feel so alone.

*

Yes and there’s death. Since the end of last year or the start of this year, I’ve been bothered about people dying so fast. I mean, one dies, then after a short time, another one dies. Sadly, one Lola died around February, then just this month another Lola, then while we were in the wake last October 18, my Aunt died. As much as I don’t want to be, I got really scared. It’s crazy how you’re all having a good time together, then the next thing you know, they’re all leaving..

***

With a bombarded heart and mind, I decided to be alone one afternoon. Since I am already in La Funeraria Paz Sucat, where my Lolo and Lola was buried, I walked around the place and stayed in their tomb. Of course, my Tito was behind me but he stayed from afar. The walk was already comforting because of the ambiance of the place. As I was already in front of their tomb, I then had a breakdown. I talked to them, and God & asked about the life I am currently going through. A cry is always a good release of all the things you can’t get out of your chest. Somehow, it made it a little light than with how it felt before and you bet I’d die to have more chances to do that again..

Sometimes I wonder if all of these are mere consequences of all the stupid things I did in my life.. but why does it have to ruin so much of my future? :’ ( I can almost see how badly I’m gonna fail. : (

This might also be the reason why my body is dysfunctional. I’ve been experiencing illnesses and all, which can possibly be due to stress, anxiety, or because I’m just so lost. I don’t know.

Why does everything have to go wrong? Why can’t it just go the way it’s supposed to be? Is this what’s meant to happen? For everything to just.. fail? :’ (

Yes, I am currently and still, struggling. I am still lost. I don’t know where and how to start standing up from all these. I am still lost.

(anyway, just to add a little sense in this blog, these are a few of the pictures I’ve taken in the cemetery)

So yea, whatever.

Role tape, cue talent.

*HIT THEME MUSIC*

PSA. NEWS. MUSICAL. TALKSHOW.

Concepts. Social relevance. Scripts. Outlines. Rubrics. CD-Rs. Theme musics. OBB’s & CBB’s. Stingers. BED.

To-go. Down. Cross fade. Segue. Mic test. Leveling. Modulate. Music up & under. Ready to hit music. Cue talent.

Production director. Assistant director. Floor director. Technical director. CD. Talent. Recorder. Gopher.

Life in radio productions.

I don’t know how I was able to manage to cope with all these along with the pressure it has, but I am very glad I did and now it’s all done. Well, of course I’m still not sure if I did good, or at least ‘okay’ with my productions since we still don’t have our final grades, but to be able to do all of it is enough for a relief.

I can’t even imagine the pressure, stress, and pain from the failures that we, or I had- all at the same time with every production, and how I survived.

Yes, there were tons of times where I cried and was very depressed, and felt like giving up. I know I might sound over-reacting since this is just the start and we still have TV prod to worry about in the next sem, but for a weak person like me (guilty), I am so proud of myself for having gone through this without even feeling the need to curse the subject or anything. Of course, without having hard feelings with the Prof as well. (not even a bit)

I may not be the best, or even at least one of those who gets the highest grade with every production, but I know I did what I had to, and my heart was in everything I did in our radio production class.

It’s funny how with every pressure and pain, I came to love it and would still want to do more. ; )

***

In this little blog, I would just like to thank my radio prod family. : )

To my prod mates/ crew/ sisters:

I am so happy that out of all the other production class, I know that ours was the most united one and that we never had any conflicts with each other. Thank you for being so cooperative, and for the inside-jokes, and for the encouragements and for understanding the panic mode moments that I usually have. It was such an honor, working with all of you. You all made every production, a fun and amazing experience. ; )

To our Radio Prod Prof, Ms. Abanto:

Thank you for the continuous reminders even when I always seem to fail on the same mistakes every time. Thank you for not being too loud because maybe you know how shouts affect me. (yes, I kind of have a phobia or something) Thank you for the jokes and for almost always tripping on me. (also, thank you for being there for me in my minor track interview. yes, you added more pressure, but I guess you really were ‘there for me’ just like what you told them. I am touched)

Yes, I wish I’ll be under Ms.A again in TV prod. I wont be with the same group again, since they’re all going to be in broad, print and devcomm, but I am hoping to be in a group that’s as nice as this. ; )

(too bad Alyssa, Gen & Ate Gem wasn’t able to go with us in our lunch date with Ms.A :/ )

Au revoir, radio prod class! Thank you for the lovely experience! : )

*MUSIC FADE UP FOR 5SECS THEN FADE OUT*

; )

 

Talk about “ineffable”. :)

(Sept.23, 2011 post in my multiply account)

Who doesn’t want love? In my age, it is when ‘love’ gets really frustrating especially when you still haven’t got anyone to show you what love is.. Yes, I have been.

I can say I wasn’t desperate, cos if I were, then I would’ve said yes to those who tried to court me. I’m not bragging but believe me, I have ignored a few.

and yes, I am also guilty of being frustrated/depressed about it. I am not really looking for a labelled relationship as of now, but I just want someone who is willing to show me that someone likes/loves me. I am still hopeful that there are men out there who are consistent and faithful.

As I have scanned my journal which I haven’t got the time to update, my last was about how disappointing it is to not feel loved back.

At the same time, I have my ‘future’ notebook. You see, I’m a great definition of a hopeless romantic and a damsel in distress so I also have my way in expressing about love. I have my ‘letter for my future boyfriend’ which is still progressing, and I am planning on pursuing a ‘letter for my future husband’ and ‘letter for my future kids’. (forgive me for being such a weirdo)

So anyway, in my ‘letter for my future boyfriend’, I wrote a few about my past, and my current loveless life. July 2011 was the last, and I wrote a little about how I want him to be, or what I think he already is.. I also thought of why it’s taking so long for us to meet, or if he’s thinking about me too. I think I also wished we’d finally meet. I didn’t ask for us to be ‘together’ right away or to have a ‘labelled relationship’, but I just wish I’d finally know how it feels.. : )

Weeks along with that hint of hopefulness and weeks after with a little more of frustration both from school and from being ‘loveless’, an unexpected person came to.. ‘blow off the dark clouds above me’, just like what he said he’ll be doing. : )

He is still at it, and he is what I have that keeps me going. : ) : ) : )

It somehow went fast, but as long as it stays like this, or becomes better, then I wouldn’t mind. ; )

***

Ever had the feeling that you’ve had someone in your life for a very long time, when you haven’t?

Or that suddenly you thought of wanting them in your life, and needing them?

It is quite odd, and somehow scary, but it is probably one of the best things you’ll ever feel.

Have you ever met someone once, but unexpectedly became close through whatever way possible, and you miss them like you’ve been together a couple of times and you just want to be with them again?

Have you ever imagined being with them, and all you wanna do is hug them for not being there beside you (literally) for like, ages?

Have you ever thought why just now?

Have you ever thought how the hell did you manage without them?

Have you also thought of why there seems a lot of hindrances still, when you’re both okay anyway?

***

I am scared how this came about, but at the same time I am very thankful.

They say that you should always appreciate what you have, and as of now, I am appreciating everything.

I may have moments where I doubt things, or that I am too anxious about how things are going, but I am always trying not to worry myself too much about it for as long as I am okay.. or for as long as we’re okay. : )

There may be something in the way for us right now, but.. what will be, will be. : )

Someone once told me, that probably, God is still writing my beautiful love story.. He might have started now, and I do hope that this is really the start.

It really is unexpected too, cos who knew the one who told me that is the one who started it? ; )

Call me silly to think of everything.. like this. but really, this is what I’ve been looking for. : )

Ineffable happiness? You can say that. ♥

Yes, I am constantly praying and hoping for things to finally go right for me with ‘this’ part of my life. I also know that a few of my friends are also hoping the same thing, since they are witnesses on how this frustrated me before or for countless times.

I am not asking for things to be perfect, because that would be a joke. I only want this to last. : )

: ) : ) : )