“Love be still, love be sweet. Don’t you dare change a thing. I want to photograph you with my mind to feel how I feel now all the time” – Jewel
Since I’m very much guilty about what I said with my recent blog, I’m going to be talking about something I’m very guilty with, again.
A typical day, went a little too perfect for me. Another moment that, in my mind i thought, i would die to record if only i could.
It was a moment where at first, I tried ignoring everything like it was all something casual. I thought to myself that it can never mean something.
I had to admit, trying to pretend that I wasn’t feeling happy, and pretending that the day wasn’t complete was the hardest to do, and hardest to bear.
When you first think of it, you would think it’s just really something normal. I would too, but you see, inside me was nothing normal. It was like something I’ve always hoped for. The feeling that I had that time was something I’ve hoped to feel someday. The feeling of contentment and bliss from someone who means a lot, being with you in a normal day but making you feel like it’s one of the best days of your life. The feeling of bliss from something ordinary.
It became a usual thing already. At least for now. He would come to our store, sell with us, play with the kids- which is actually one of the cutest thing, and fooling around with me trying to piss me off.
But i couldn’t ignore how it felt whenever he calls me. or when he grabs my arms, taps me at the back randomly. or when he calls me like he’s mad but smiles when i answer him like i’m thoroughly annoyed. or when he pushes me. especially when he went up to me and took out the dirt that was in my head without saying anything then went back to his seat. or when he locked his arms to mine and played around. when he asked me to sit beside him. especially when he told me that we should watch a movie. or his look when he was telling it to me. or when he looked down at me and i looked up at him. or when he said goodbye including my name. it felt, just right. it felt, like i’m perfectly contented just being in that moment. it was all that i could ask for.
He’s actually someone who had given me so much joy since high school even with the silliest and stupidest things, and apparently he still does, til now.
After that, I tried pretending it was all nothing for me, but the feeling was just too much, until i gave up and just let it take over me the whole night, the next day, and until now. That night I couldn’t keep myself from dodging my head back and forth to every song i hear on the radio. It all flashes back to me whenever I have nothing else in my mind. It makes me smile at the most awkward times.
after that, came all my wishes.
*already posted it here last night- April3, i wished/ April3, I wished again*
If i could just really capture everything in a video or something, i swear I would. but then again, I can’t.
It gave me the feeling I’ve been hoping for ever since, but since I’m one insane girl, it also gave me the worst feelings I dread of feeling.
It made me feel like it won’t be for long. that everything he was that time was very temporary. I felt hopeless that I think I wont be able to do anything to make it stay, or grow the way I want it to. It made me feel like I’m about to expect some things again like I did back in high school. It made me feel the way I did back when I had first loved him. It was all great, but scary at the same time because it might end just the way it ended before. It made me feel dismayed because it was too perfect, and perfect ain’t real.
I am currently in between opposing feelings, mood, and state.
I am battling between expectations, wants, dream, actions that seemed hard to understand, ego, and disappointments, pain, and reality.
here I go again with the bittersweet feeling.