Life in idle mode

Today, Sunday, which is a day for God, I just had this utter want to focus less on the world and have little conversations with God in my mind.

While I was at it, people became worried about me being a little quiet and me, staring blankly at a distant. I knew it would make them wonder and I thought of making it up to them as soon as I feel a lot better, but as the time went on, I could no longer get my full attention back to the world. It kind of made me feel upset about making them worry about me or my blank mood, but I still tried to make them feel I appreciate their concern and that I was really having a good day because of them. Don’t get me wrong, that was no pretension, I just really couldn’t focus on them and the things they were doing for me.

In my mind I thought of the life I lived so far, and as I see it, I was a lost wanderer.

I wanted to know what life means, but could not bear realities and would just settle for nothing more than the little pains and gains I had. I knew there’s so much more, but the pain I so far had, made me scared that those were just simple ones and that there are far more bigger and greater pains to face. I wanted to search for reasons, but remained with blunt answers life gave as giveaways and did not want bonuses that could actually give me the reasons I’ve been looking for. Like, answering giveaway questions in tests, but not trying to answer the hard ones even for a big bonus point either cos I’m too scared to fail or to be wrong, or too coward to try.

I also realized I have a life far more blessed than I ever thought it was. I focused too much on the things that went wrong and ignored the things that went and are perfectly going right. I had focused more on the problems and not on it’s lessons and the blessings I’ve had.

The next thought was me, not minding the real blessings that are already right in front of me. Since birth, I had been surrounded by people who God gave as my little guides. No one will ever understand how much they’ve all kept me, and my family away from harm. I never tried to understand it when I thought I knew better about every human being, having a good side in them. I thought they were being too cynical. Well I still think that everyone has something good in them, but I’m no longer innocent with the fact that some people are just really meant to pass you by. Some to show the good things that you should do, or some who are meant to hurt you for you to be able to grow. I am a person who gets too attached to people, and finding out about betrayal or being lied to is something I would like to think no ones ever going to do to me, but is eventually something that’s inevitable. So it always gets me really down every time it happens. I then stop thinking deeper into things cos of the pain it had caused me, but then now I realized that they might have done that to me so I can see that they are not worth for me to consider them as a friend, or that being good doesnt mean being treated the same, or for me to realize that bad things do exist. Or maybe I always knew that, I just kept on insisting to myself that they can’t be the ones doing it to me, because of how too attached I already am with them.
I also realized how I was too attached to people in my life, that I had already put God kept for just the worst case scenarios. Like an alarm in a glass case that says “break glass in case of emergency”. I thought that the people in my life are already enough for some points or cases since they’re given by God anyways, I thought that God is helping me through them. I realized I already have fewer times spent in talking to Him.
I forgot that He’s the only one I could really hold on to who I am sure will never hurt me and is someone who can really help me with everything.
I forgot that He’s the only one I can be really sure of who’s never going to leave me. :’ )
I don’t know what had gotten into me for being so arrogant, but I realized I was too focused on all the worldly things that are all temporary.
I became too dependent on people who are close to me and had forgotten my God who can beat everyone else on being dependable. I forgot how big He was than anyone could ever be.
I forgot that everyone else are just instruments chosen by the one who made the music.

I was really lost. I wasted more like my 18 years living, forgetting who gave me everything, and my life itself.
I am beyond regretful about this, but right now I’m just really glad I got to realize these things.

I’m not saying I am letting go of the people I have around me who had always been my little angels, and this doesn’t mean I don’t need them anymore, I am just going to get things right and put God first. I have to completely accept that I only have God to give all my worries away to, and for my comfort, the fact that I have a God, as something more than enough. : )
I just have to completely give myself to Him. ; )

All these made me realize I had 18 years of my life, in an idle mode, not knowing what life is about, and why, and who I should live it for.
I existed, but did not really lived.
I just really wish I still get to live longer to get everything right, and really start living. : )

2 thoughts on “Life in idle mode

  1. Yo. Just read the above just now.

    You’re really getting good at this.

    (Don’t ever stop doing it! Don’t you dare.)

    Consider these writings as your legacy to your future children and grand children so that when they shall embark on the same journey as you are doing now, they have something to look back to. Ikaw ang magiging compass nila.

    Everything’s here.

    Blank moods … Sunday conversations with God … lost wanderings … attachments … you’ve just about covered all that is mysterious and inscrutable about life.

    Not even the great philosophers of the past knew all the answers to these questions.
    So, you are in good company.

    Ahhh, life and all its meanings are so elusive! So is God. So is life. So is relationships. So is the self. Welcome to the club.

    Don’t despair. The answers will come in due time. It will come with your little experiences and encounters with life, and with the people you shall meet every day.

    Lao Tse Tzu, my favorite Chinese philosopher, wrote “the questions are more important than the answer because questions point towards more exciting possibilities that you could ever be as a person”.

    So the key is to keep asking questions. Because questions are the hidden maps to life.

    Also, accept the fact that you don’t know — and you can’t possibly know — all the answers now.

    Ako nga, 61 na ako, I still don’t have all the answers. What I have is experience, the best teacher i can possibly have.

    Like life, God is also as elusive. He keeps slipping away from our grasp. Kaya nga God siya eh, iba ang takbo nya sa atin, iba ang pananaw nya sa atin, iba sya mag-isip. But he is a great ally when things really get bad.

    Just remember, you were not in idle mode these past 18 years. On the contrary, you have been taking on life, absorbing it, getting pummelled by it, and … unconsciously recording it all in your mind.

    (Life has this bizarre way of always taunting you into thinking that you are less than what you really are or have been).

    Tip ko sa yo: be in the “present” mode as much as you can. The past is done, and today is virgin territory – enjoy it.

    You have existed AND LIVED all this time. Give yourself credit for that.

    You have so much to offer this world, Itel!

    Lolo Gabs (aka Lao Tse Tzu)

    • Lolo Gabs! you just made me feel so important like I’ve never felt before :’) thank you for being such a great motivator. hehe
      I will take note of all the things you said Lolo. Thank you for making me feel better all the time.😉

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s