The right but missing ‘peace’

“Lost” is the first thing that popped out of my mind when I asked myself “where am I?”.

It’s like, after all you’ve gone through and done, it all goes down to waste and nothing’s ever gonna make sense anymore. I don’t know when and why this even started to take over me, but maybe it’s when things just didn’t go according to plan, and when unfortunate events started kicking in.

Final project for 2 major subjects and 1 minor, Lola (mom’s Tita) died, then an Aunt died too, and then a few misunderstandings.. all at the same time.

(Not to focus on that so anyway..)

Suddenly felt like I am in the wrong track. This is where I want to be, and I can’t even imagine myself in a different career or anything, but what if this is not what’s meant for me? If it is, then why am I not good at it? Why does it seem like I am not even improving? Well yes, it’s probably all my fault because I might be lacking more effort, but it’s just that sometimes, all the effort I give just isn’t enough. It is very tiring, and it gets more tiring when it all goes to waste.

I am still torn between where I am placed right now, and with the other 2 that I want to take. Maybe the competition is what I’m scared of. Maybe I’ll find myself unhappy with what I am insisting I’m best at. Maybe I was wrong all along.. Or I don’t know. Maybe I’m just pressured and scared with what my grades would turn out this sem. but still. If I don’t get good ones, then I’d probably have a harder time coping for next sem.

*

Misunderstandings. Sometimes the very few that you expect to understand you, are those that don’t. Or maybe they do, they just don’t care at the time when you badly need them. Sometimes, all we really need is a little support, or a little heads up, or a little help and all will be a lot better, or lighter to carry. but then you can’t always expect them to be there for you. It is impossible, and I know to myself that I can’t ‘always’ be there for the special people in my life, but it sucks when all of them seems like they can’t understand you at all.

Other times, they’re there. but they’d either insult you or bring you down even more. So what’s the use? This is why often times, I just feel so alone.

*

Yes and there’s death. Since the end of last year or the start of this year, I’ve been bothered about people dying so fast. I mean, one dies, then after a short time, another one dies. Sadly, one Lola died around February, then just this month another Lola, then while we were in the wake last October 18, my Aunt died. As much as I don’t want to be, I got really scared. It’s crazy how you’re all having a good time together, then the next thing you know, they’re all leaving..

***

With a bombarded heart and mind, I decided to be alone one afternoon. Since I am already in La Funeraria Paz Sucat, where my Lolo and Lola was buried, I walked around the place and stayed in their tomb. Of course, my Tito was behind me but he stayed from afar. The walk was already comforting because of the ambiance of the place. As I was already in front of their tomb, I then had a breakdown. I talked to them, and God & asked about the life I am currently going through. A cry is always a good release of all the things you can’t get out of your chest. Somehow, it made it a little light than with how it felt before and you bet I’d die to have more chances to do that again..

Sometimes I wonder if all of these are mere consequences of all the stupid things I did in my life.. but why does it have to ruin so much of my future? :’ ( I can almost see how badly I’m gonna fail. : (

This might also be the reason why my body is dysfunctional. I’ve been experiencing illnesses and all, which can possibly be due to stress, anxiety, or because I’m just so lost. I don’t know.

Why does everything have to go wrong? Why can’t it just go the way it’s supposed to be? Is this what’s meant to happen? For everything to just.. fail? :’ (

Yes, I am currently and still, struggling. I am still lost. I don’t know where and how to start standing up from all these. I am still lost.

(anyway, just to add a little sense in this blog, these are a few of the pictures I’ve taken in the cemetery)

So yea, whatever.

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