Since this is probably my last break, I asked Mama if we could go somewhere. But then, I couldn’t even suggest a place to go to. Actually, I didn’t even have anything in mind, I just want to get away for awhile. I really don’t mind where, as long as it’s far from here. I thought it wont push through anymore but luckily, Kuya was going to attend a wedding in Bataan, so Mama decided to go to Bluzan (my uncle’s resort) in Bataan. It was sort of a last minute thing, but I was very glad. There’s a reason why this pushed through, I thought. I need this..
So yea. Went there. To sum up our stay from Friday evening til Sunday morning- it was a kain-tulog life, at it’s finest. It was a bit tiring to just eat and sleep for 2 days, but at least there’s not much pressure and worldly stuff.
The best thing about this getaway was my time with my sister, and my Tito Tony and his wife Tita Evelyn who just came back for awhile from the States & Tita Tabbie who I haven’t got the time to hangout with ever since. And the short, but deep-thinking walk I had in around 5pm, while the sun sets.. I was with them, but I was far behind them, just so I wont get distracted.
In that walk I had, I thought of a few things, also realizing the things my friends told me. There will always be those things that can never be. Things that can’t be yours. Things that are not meant to last. Problems that come all at the same time. and that those who you thought will understand you, never did.
All we ever have to do, is to stand up, carry on, learn, accept, ignore the things that hurt, and never mind those who are not willing to be there for you..
I know it may sound very pessimistic, but there will really come a time, or that there will be times when all you have left, is yourself. You can never depend on anyone because it’s either they don’t care, or they couldn’t and wouldn’t want to understand you. People always leave.
Also, there will always be some things that are not meant to last, even when it’s what you’ve been wishing for. When it’s there, all you can ever think of is that it was meant to be, and that it’s what you’d want to last. Well probably, it was meant to be.. but just for awhile. Maybe, there’s a very good reason why it didn’t last. I have nothing against that, but I just wish I didn’t have to feel all happy about it and feel like it’s everything you’ve always wanted.
and of course the stubborn little problems that hits you smack dab in the face all at the same time. There will always be those problems that you never thought would happen, because you know you are innocent from it. Those that drags you down, really far from where you are supposed to be. And those that almost ruins everything you’ve done, or your future. I don’t know why, really but maybe this is just a way of making me strong. Very strong, to be exact. Maybe this is a way of God to ready me in what bigger difficulties and challenges there is for me in the future, because if not now, then I’d probably have a much harder time in coping up.. (bear with me, I am just letting my positive side rule over now and maybe it can really get me back in my toes again)
True, I always avoid the hard things before, but then I realized how it can never go like that. It is inevitable but it is also where we become strong. I bet all of this weren’t given to me without any purpose and benefit.. I just have to face it strong.
While I am currently at it, I am telling you, it’s not easy. It never will be, I guess. But really, sometimes it even feels that it’s all worthless. I don’t know if I’m even doing it right. I am lost. I know that God is there for me, but I still need a person or two to tell me what I should, and shouldn’t do. Or maybe I don’t cos I’m old enough to know that, but at least someone who will be there for me, to guide me. I can’t tell my family. It’ll be a very long explanation. and I don’t know. I kind of got this feeling that I shouldn’t get them into this..
I’m reading ALEPH by Paulo Coelho right now (but not continuous. so many distractions) and it’s been cutting through me. I’m not taking it the negative way. I like reading stuff that gets through me. So anyway, I’m still on the first few pages/chapters and I bet there’ll be a lot more appropriate parts with regards to ‘this’, but I already found a few.. It says there that in life, you also need other people who you don’t even know, to be able to grow. I am not saying that I don’t need the people in my life anymore, but I also have to consider other, unfamiliar people. I have to get out of my comfort zone, I thought. This is probably the time where I can’t keep myself from seeing the real world anymore.. Also, that I have to ‘change, and move forward‘.. I know. I’ve always known, I’m just keeping myself from doing so. I don’t know. Scared? Probably. Scared of tons of things..
..which makes me remember what my Prof told me in my minor interview-‘turned into counseling’. about that, well. I am just very thankful that she (Ms. Abanto) kept her word of being there ‘for’ me. She told that to my classmates weeks before the interview, and told me she’d make sure. A word can make something different. she said ‘for-her’, and not just I’ll be there. And yes, she was. The interview turned into a guidance counseling, along with my Prof/Lolo Gabs (Sir Gabutina) who’s also been very supportive of me. She told me that I have to get rid of my ‘fear’, because in life, it wont do me any good at all. I know. I’ve been trying.. I don’t know where to start, but at every point where it gets me, I always try to not let it get the best of me. I’ve been acting strong, cos I’m thinking it will eventually make me strong in the long run.
Well, I don’t know really. I still feel lost. or I don’t know. Really, it’s all I can say sometimes.. ‘I DON’T KNOW’..
Yea, just wish me luck with my life.
Anyway, here. Few pictures I took. Just to make this blog a little light..
PS I dont know why they all seem blurred. I swear they’re all clear. maybe the size or whatever. sucks..