A letter to a Panda

Bonjour! : )

I hope you still remember me.. Well, I bet you do. But for at least this time while you’re reading this, I hope you remember everything before we seemed to have just faded. : )

I really don’t know how to start this, but I know I have to. I have to let go of the things I wanted to tell you. So, I am just letting it all out and hope this wont get me too dramatic.

First, I’d like to say thank you. : )

Thank you for giving me my happiest days this year, 2011.

Thank you for making me feel loved, at long last.. even just for months.

My days with you, were my favorite of this year.

You gave me smiles with pure joy that everyone can automatically see. The ones I’ve been waiting to have. Those that can reflect of how happy I am and that there’s not even a reason to pretend or give out fake smiles.

You heard it before from a friend. Yes, I was never that happy. She was with me my whole life and she never saw me that happy, until you came.

You were the biggest addition to the reasons why I look forward to a day, because that will be another day with you, and another day closer to being with you. and finally not having the need to hide what we had from everyone else.. You don’t know how much I wanted to tell everyone I know about us and how happy I was.

You were another reason why I pushed myself on studying, or to at least improve more because I wanted you to be proud of me.

(Aug 19. 11:30) “I don’t want this to end…”

Right from the very start, I knew very well that I didn’t want this to end either. From the very start, I knew this was different. I told you before how in our first meeting, we seemed to have clashed. We did, but in the back of my mind I couldn’t understand it, but there was something about you I didn’t want to let go of. Even when we clashed, it felt like it wont be just that. I didn’t think of it, I felt it. and the first time you approached me and wanted to talk about my problem, I was automatically comfortable with you. I didn’t know why, it just happened. That’s why I didn’t hesitate in telling you everything even when it was personal.

(Aug 20. 01:53) “what we have now, it’s like I’m making a house of cards. I can probably mess things up as I progress, you see.”

I thought of the same thing, since what we got ourselves into was something.. complicated. But I didn’t want to lie. I thought about it, and I was sure to myself that I’d take it. I would take the risk, I promised myself. Why? Because to me, this was something worth fighting for.

(Aug 21. 2:23) “I’m not expecting you to be perfect…”

You had me here. : )

(Aug 22. 8:02) “You’re worth it.”

and here. and it felt so real. I find it hard believing guys with their sweet words, but this felt different. It felt real.

(Aug 22. 6:32pm) “I can go on and on and on telling you that I like this”

It wasn’t easy to accept to myself that ‘you’ would actually like me, or what we had. But it made me so happy seeing and hearing that you do. : ) (did)

(Aug 23. 10:41) “I’m familiar with being upset with nobody being there for me… So i dont want you to feel lonely at all…”

This broke my heart for you, and I didn’t want you to feel that again. I didn’t want you to feel lonely too. Never. As long as I am here.

You see, I made promises to myself. The ones that includes you. I promised myself things I’d do for you, and I’ve never been so sure in accomplishing my promises..

I also never liked phone calls. I dread being on the phone especially with guys, and I always think I am boring.. But you made me loved it. I always anticipated for your calls and would always wish it would take us hours. I always readied myself with stuff I’d want to tell you just to hear you longer.

(Aug 26. 1:11) “I can’t promise you a smooth flowing relationship, but I can promise you I’m giving all my efforts”

Everytime you give me promises, I made it a point that I’d be promising the same thing. Not because I thought I had to, but because I wanted to. I don’t know where this promise of yours went, but it got stuck in my head and when you were already giving up on me, this just seem to hunt me. I wanted to ask you, where’s your promise?

(Aug 27. 11:30) “I can keep this on for years, you see. : )”

Well.. obviously.. you didn’t want to anymore.

(Aug 28. 12:30) “I will. Just don’t drink and entertain boys, it’s guaranteed that we’d get there all the way”

I did stop. I thought to myself, why would I want to entertain other boys if who I want is already here? There’s no point. I didn’t even want to talk to any guy friends anymore. I was contented. : ) and of course I’ve stopped drinking months before we met, but you just made my promise to myself more concrete. : P

(Sept 2. 7:54) “I badly want to be with you…”

(Sept 3. 10:02) “I need you”

I may have failed in making you feel the same, but I never joked, bluffed, or said something just for the sake of saying it or making you feel good. I meant every word I told you. I never lied to you because I know how much it would hurt. I never lied to you because I love you.

yea, you can I say I’ve been at my very honest self when I had you.

(Sept 17. 07:01) “Because I want you to realize you can be strong without me.”

This was after maybe a week of not talking to me. True, I can be strong without you. But I could have been stronger with you. I was happy without you, but I was happier with you. Probably happiest so far. I could live without you, but I wouldn’t want to..

I read your blog about your ‘new love’ with all the dates included. Sept13? We weren’t okay then, but I never thought you were already liking someone else at that time. I thought you were just really.. depressed, just like what you said. You could’ve been more honest with me.

(Sept 24. 5:56) “You know the feeling when you lose everything and the mood for anything, but there’s one thing that still keeps you going? Well to me, there’s you…”

A day before you told me this, I thought of the same thing. I even wrote it in my planner.. I cried over this, out of pure bliss.

Like what you said, what we have(had) is ‘ineffable’.

I never knew a word could mean so much, not until I felt exactly how it means.. I know words are never enough to express how one feels, but that’s probably the nearest best description. ; )

Oct.12. We were together, and it was just perfect. I know I was a little too silent but that’s because I was feeling sick at that time. I just didn’t tell you. But you don’t know how happy I was. If only I could just hug you the whole day and never let you go, I wouldn’t. I wish we weren’t so far from each other and that it wasn’t so difficult for us to be together all the time.. That day, I felt so in love..

There were days when all I wanted to tell you was I love you. I wanted you to feel how in love I was.. How happy I was.

I had plans for us. Plans I’ve been thinking of ever since we.. Had something. Too bad I can’t pull them off for you anymore, though.
I already planned that I’d always include you in my schedule. I planned that this second sem, I’ll make it a point that we’ll meet every once a week. Or twice, if possible.
I even planned surprises for you already. Simple and little ones, but hoping it’ll be good enough. I couldn’t wait to do them all for you..
Well, now they’re all gone. Hehehe

You know I’m the kind of person who gets overly paranoid, and depressed.. but you changed me. You gave me reasons to always be thankful even after a messed up day. You taught me how to be strong. You taught me how to be more appreciative. You taught me how to disregard my pride. You taught me that it’s important to completely mean what I say. How to be selfless. How to love unconditionally. How distance or anything else should never be a hindrance..

(Oct.31) it all ended.

Well, after we lost it.. You still taught me.

You taught me how words can never be enough. That not everything people say is true. Not everything can last. How love can fade.. You taught me how to come out strong/tough when I face everyone else and leave the drama to myself when I’m already alone. You taught me how I should put up a hard, and tall wall from people. You taught me how I shouldn’t trust everything I see or hear right away. You taught me how to accept that not everyone’s going to care for me, and that everyone who say they don’t want to see me hurt, are those who will eventually hurt me in the end. How people can mean one thing today, but not mean it anymore the next day.

I know some of these may seem negative, but really.. Thank you. You showed me more of what reality is.

I really thought we’d make it. Or so I thought we would. I was also hoping we would..

I know what we had only lasted for a short time, but for me it was real. Thats why this wont be easy for me to just let go. It was pretty. : )

Now I can just only wish the best for you. I hope that you’ll find someone to fill the role of the girl who’ll love you much more than I did, and someone who’ll never be anything like me who failed to give you what you’ve been looking for. : )

Well maybe I’m still waiting for your ‘final say’. You always said you don’t want to say goodbye because it means forever. And you never did say goodbye. I wouldn’t want you to, since I still want us to be friends, hopefully soon enough. But I wish you’d tell me the reason why we ended just like that. Somehow, my ‘case’ isn’t enough reason for you to just let it all go like that. I want you to explain. I won’t argue. I just want to know. And I hope you’d give me that. It isn’t much to ask, really.. Don’t mind me getting hurt with what you’ll say, you’ve hurt me enough anyway. Hahahahaha :p

So as a last request, please tell me everything. : )

Anyway. Happy New Year! : )

xx

(to those who are curious about the title, don’t look for any explanation. Just consider this as.. just a letter.)

2 thoughts on “A letter to a Panda

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